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guy
Posts:4
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| 07/16/2009 1:29 AM |
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I enjoyed the book "For men only" imensely. Every example in the book i have seen before. In arguments and everyday life. Overall i am pleased with what i have learnt and will continue to apply the principles taught.
There is just one thing that baffles me.
How is it that before the wedding and early marriage, she couldn't keep her hands off me and now 4 years later we are down to 3 times a week?
She used to drag me to the bedroom etc. 4,5,6... MANY times every day.
She admits, just like one lady in the book that she would only persue sex once every 10 days or so. The rest is also just to please me.
The problem is that these fillers are also unfullfilling since i know its almost one-sided.
There is some other reasons not mentioned in the book. Surely a womans brain doesnt change in the way it functions? Then why does the sexual wiring change in time?
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 07/19/2009 10:26 PM |
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No offense, dude, but you're complaining about 3 times a week?
You're doing pretty good. :-) |
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Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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guy
Posts:4
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| 07/22/2009 9:02 AM |
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Hi Julie, thaks for the reply.
Surely, comming from where we were 3 times a week IS and issue?
Or should i be satisfied with once a week in 2 years and then maybe once a month in 5 years time?
Would you say then its a womens choice and us men should be satisfied with whatever we are dished-up?
Did you read the book? Surely you of all people should understand what this is doing to me?
Did God plan for us men to have diminishing sex? To maybe put stress on ourselves and our marriage?
Maybe that is why the apostle Paul instructed us to have sex as often as possible - so that "we are not tempted"?
Jesus also doesnt look kindly upon those who tempt his loved ones does He? Scripture is clear on that. What then, if a women knows how her man is tempted, what will happen if he strays?
Will God then not look "kindly" at the women for letting temptation take hold of her husband?
I fight that battle every second of the day and it gets more and more difficult the further we move away from the last act of love between my wife and i.
I belive there is more to this. Loving me, finding me attractive, respecting me and all that stuff doesnt mean a thing without her wanting to make love to me at sight.
You know...... THE WAY IT USED TO BE.
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overwhelmed35
Posts:7
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| 07/22/2009 5:00 PM |
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| I'm concerned about my husband's lack of interest in sex. It's been 3 weeks and the most affection he's shown has been lightly touching the small of my back (twice) and a very brief peck on the lips as he was leaving for the weekend. Nothing since he came back from his weekend away until I actually asked to be held last night. |
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Healingfromhurt
Posts:15
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| 07/22/2009 11:56 PM |
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Guy,
A few questions for you...
1. Do you have any young children? If so, your wife could simply be tired! Speaking from experience, taking care of little ones is pretty draining. If you do have kids, does she get any alone time? Do you help out with the kids?
2. Do you help out around the house? If your wife is feeling more like a mother to you, rather than a wife, this could diminish her desire. Ask if there is something you can do to help her out...or better yet, look for the things you can do on your own without her telling you or asking you. When a husband and wife can work together towards common goals, it builds a connection between the two which leads to better intimacy.
3. Are you continuing to pursue her, like you did when you were dating? For me and I think for many other women, the key to a woman's heart is through her mind...and when you completely have her heart, she will want to be intimate with you. Continue to shower her with attention to make her feel like she is always the most important woman in your life. Like it says in Shaunti's book, feeling secure is important to a woman and when she begins to feel remotely insecure in any area, it can eat away at the relationship and thus diminish her desire. So, think about what you did when you were dating - there were probably lots of compliments, surprises for her, deep conversations, etc. Are those still continuing 4 years into your marriage? When a woman feels a complete connection with her husband, she will be more inclined to be intimate with him.
4. Are you continuing to affirm her and telling her that you appreciate her for the things she does and that you find her beautiful? After having a few kids, I don't look like I used to, but I am not overweight. However, I simply don't have the time to doll myself up like I used to prior to having children. But I do try to look nice and presentable. Complimenting a wife on her looks is important to build up her self-esteem. It also helps a ton if you try to not look elsewhere - for me, when my husband is looking elsewhere, this is a surefire way of making me feel like I don't measure up, and then I can get into a vicious cycle where I don't feel like my husband finds me attractive, so I'm not eager to be intimate for fear that he finds me unattractive or not as pleasing as the other women he's looking at. Yes, I know my husband loves me and that's what counts, but hey, it's not making me feel secure or attractive to hear ...."I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else" while he's looking elsewhere...know what I mean? The actions need to match the words!
5. Is your wife under any unusual stress? Such as health issues? Financial issues? Work issues? This can cause her to not be as interested. If so, try to support her. Listen to her vent! When listening, try not to fall asleep, like my husband does. Be attentive and try to act interested, even if you're not! It's hard for a wife to feel a connection when her husband falls asleep during her turn to talk...only for him to wake up an hour later waiting for some "action"!
6. Any non-sexual touch? This is any touch that doesn't lead to intercourse. It again builds security to know that not every touch from my husband is going to lead to intercourse - especially if my needs aren't being entirely met. So, for instance, holding hands, a back rub, a nice long hug. For a woman, it can feel very one-sided to know that we're supposed to meet a husband's need for sex, even when her needs for security, deep conversation, affirmation, non-sexual touch etc aren't being met. When she begins to feel this lop-sided-ness, it can diminish her desire.
OK...that's about all I can think of off the top of my head. If you go to any Christian book store, there will be lots of books on marriage and the different love & sex needs of men and women. I would suggest picking up one or two and have a read. Hope this was helpful! |
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guy
Posts:4
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| 07/23/2009 8:01 AM |
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Hi HealingFromHurt,
Thankyou for taking the time to type that great reply.
My wife stays at home with the kids. Well, she does household stuff in the morning and spends most of the afternoon driving kids around from school, sport and helping with their homework etc.
She has a maid for 1 day, but hopefully that will soon change back to 3.
I help where i can and most often cook food on Sundays which goes into the fridge/freezer and will supply the basic food for the entire week. Most times we just grill/steam some extra veg etc.
I help to wash pots etc that dont go into dish-washer etc. The garden is my responsibility and mostly gets done on weekends after i attend school sporting events.
I have been a bit untidy in the past, but have since changed and i now cleanup and pickup after myself as i go along. I belive i dont have a trail of work behind me anymore. The kids have also caught on and are doing the same.
I suppose i can add extra tasks, but that would border on suicide since i hardly sitdown at all before bed-time.
Maybe thats the reason. I have become too domesticated? i was a bit wild in my younger years.
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daveschaub
Posts:1
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| 07/23/2009 11:23 PM |
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Hello Stavyh,
There may be something that is bothering your husband. it may be about his work or he is just simply tired from his constant traveling. Why don't you plan for a quiet dinner with him before he leaves for the weekend and have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him everything that is on your mind. do it in a gentle and subtle manner. ignoring the present problem may lead to a bigger one.
<a target=_blank href="http://www.universebuy.tv">internet TV</a>
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Healingfromhurt
Posts:15
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| 07/24/2009 8:12 PM |
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Guy,
I don't think becoming too domesticated is the problem. In fact, your wife probably welcomes the help since it sounds like she's pretty busy.
I suggest having a heart to heart discussion with your wife, but don't make the diminishing sex the main topic. Ask her what her needs are and if there's any area that you can help her. So, for instance, you can ask her if she thinks you're helping out enough around the house or with the kids. Does she feel secure - financially, as a married couple, or even feeling like she's the most important woman in your life. Does she get enough affirmation? Would she like more date nights with just the two of you? The point is to find out what her needs are - to pinpoint those areas in her world where she's not quite feeling 100% secure. Once you know what those needs are, try to think of ways to meet those needs. Again, the way to a woman's heart is through her mind.
I think you also may have to come to terms that perhaps it may not be feasible for her to be dragging you into the bedroom multiple times a day, especially if there are children to take care of. There are only so many hours in a day and kids eat up alot of that time!! I know for me, I have a kazillion things going on in my mind at the same time when kids are around and even when they're in bed...to be honest, sex usually is not at the top of the list! Please also keep in mind the saying that "men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots." If a woman has a kazillion thoughts swimming around in her head, it can take a while for a woman to warm up to thinking about being intimate. And even once she's warmed up to the thought of being intimate, then it can take more time for her to "get into it" and be more of a participant.
Hope this helps. |
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guy
Posts:4
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| 07/30/2009 5:59 AM |
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Mmmm, i think women should try to get intimacy to the top of the list more often.
Especially after reading 'for women only'. For women there is a list of things to do that will make her happy.
For a guy, sex is a MAGIC BULLET! It cures everything. Moodyness, depression, self-doubt, insecurity - you name it.
Surely with this realization women will put sex on top?
No wonder so many of my friends and collegues chose to stay single.
As for the mental rolladex; i can keep pictures from rolling in quite effectively for about 2 days, after that its a huge struggle. |
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prinsaysleah
Posts:1
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| 08/01/2009 6:10 PM |
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Guy,
I've been married for 7 years and am learning more about my husband and his sexual needs all the time. He recently read the book Every Man's Battle and shared how much it encouraged him and I have to admit to sneaking a peek just to understand him more. In that book there's a section talking to women about the frequency of a man's need for sex and the book says there is about a 72 hour window before a man's body will somehow rid itself of built up semen. It sounds to me like your wife is generally honoring the 72 hour rule...although I'm guessing that you don't want her to have sex with you just because you're part of the schedule. Really though the 72 hour thing is based on real physiology-hard fact, not just what most men need...so I would respectfully suggest that you show thankfulness both to your wife and to God for providing you with a woman who does seem to appreciate you to some extent.
I'm sure you and your wife are a wonderful couple and focusing on what you appreciate about her will certainly help more than hurt. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar
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concerned2
Posts:3
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| 08/16/2009 12:17 AM |
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Hi Guy. The shoe is on the other foot for me. I can count on 1 hand how many times in the last 2 yrs. What would you advice for that? Maybe my husband is just to stressed or the thrill of the hunt after we got married is over for him. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:162
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| 08/23/2009 10:57 PM |
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OK, I have a really blunt question.
First of all, I was not trying to put you down, guy. I was poking a little bit of fun - sorry if I hit a sore spot.
My question is this:
OK, you've been asked about the domestic side, and you've been asked if you're there for her emotionally. But are you meeting her physical needs? Do you know what she likes? Do you do any research on that sort of thing? When your wife "climbs the mountain," does she also "fall off" the top? Trust me... we like fireworks at the end as much as you do!
You DON'T have to answer all of that here (and in fact, you probably shouldn't), but it's just food for thought.
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Jim
Posts:1
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| 09/22/2009 2:57 AM |
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Guy,
Three times a week! Not sure, but I might kill for three times a week. I'm lucky to get it three times a year, and I'm not exaggerating either... I've been married for 30 years, and for the bulk of that time, my wife has been completely unresponsive. She treats sex as if it's something "dirty." We've been to counseling multiple times, she says I'm a great lover (yeah, right... If that was true, then it would be more like three times a week), but no matter how I try (and I've read all the books, including FMO, Love and Respect, and a host of other books) it's no-go. Sorry, but at three times a week I can't see how you can even begin to complain. On the other hand, if that's a sign of things to come, and it keeps going downhill, get ready for your new life as a priest. I've learned to live with it, but it sure is hard...
-Jim |
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bas
Posts:1
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| 09/23/2009 9:35 PM |
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Jim, your post sounds almost word for word what I was thinking when I read guy's first post. The only difference is that my wife doesn't act like it's dirty, just something for her to endure. So I suppose in truth one could say it is my doing that we don't have sex more than 6-8 times per year, because I know she is not interested and I have no desire to come crawling to her asking for favors. It's said that women are crock pots; if that's true then my wife's cord has been severed or something, because she never heats up!
Guy, in response to your July 30 post, I would argue that sex is not a magic bullet. I have learned that my issues are not resolved when my wife and I have sex, and that is because of what I said above. She is not interested and is only enduring the sex, waiting for me to "get done and get off." No, sex is not the magic bullet, having your wife make love to you is. What my wife does not seem to realize is that if she will simply respond when I initiate and initiate once in a while herself, so many of our issues, arguments, etc., will go away. |
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df112
Posts:1
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| 11/02/2009 8:29 PM |
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I'm with Jim and bas. 22 years. *Maybe* 5 times a year if I'm lucky. Twice so far this year.
She actually claims to enjoy sex, just never wants it. She always has an O if she wants one, and I always take care of her first. She never ever responds. And never initiates. I've tried absolutely everything I could think of. Romance. Attention. Flowers. A mannequin would be easier to hit on. Not going to beg - it's hard enough as it is.
Yes I help around the house. In all honesty I probably do at least as much as she does. I'm the neat one, not her.
No, she doesn't work. Kids are in high school.
I cannot recommend marriage at this point. I kind of hope nobody asks me, because it seems like a really sick joke at this point.
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kat
Posts:2
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| 11/22/2009 3:48 PM |
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I hear you Concerned2. I've been married for 22 years now and have a similar situation. I've done everything I know to keep him interested and attracted to me. He says all the right things, ie. tells me that I am beautiful and that he is still attracted to me etc, even acts interested in sex but actually following through is often rare. I have no reason to suspect that there is someone else in his life, but with his lack of interest always leaves me wondering because of what Shaunti's book says about what sex means to a man. Sometimes I feel like giving up.
To the men, I wonder if there are other ways that you have tried showing that you are interested in your wives. When you do show interest, is it just with the "ultimate goal" in mind? I miss the "chase." |
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JoeMS
Posts:38
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| 11/29/2009 8:40 PM |
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Guy: " Loving me, finding me attractive, respecting me and all that stuff doesnt mean a thing without her wanting to make love to me at sight....You know...... THE WAY IT USED TO BE."
I imagine your statement has many of the unmarried women scratching their head. If I recall correctly, FWO addresses the man's need to be desired. I'm not sure that all men react quite as strongly as Guy does.
Guy: "Surely a womans brain doesnt change in the way it functions? Then why does the sexual wiring change in time?"
Guy, I admire your willingness to address the issue in a healthy way.
In addition to points made by other members you might also consider that biochemistry does change over time due to aging and other factors, especially for women. Consider the extreme example, postpartum depression. I'm not a medical professional but over time the balance of neurochemicals can change modestly and leave a person with less motivation for many things previously enjoyed and sought.
Might another factor be that early in your marriage she was not only enjoying the intimacy but also interested in starting a family?
I am a member of a few sites that help men maintain sexual purity. The strong wording in your post reminds me of many men I know from those sites, including myself. I recommend that you post your question on that type of site as well. These are two you could consider. everymansbattle.ning.com and http://www.everymansbattle.com/
I don't want to overreact but might the dissatisfaction lead to various dangerous temptations? I know guys who say porn and mb provide a greater "high" than intimacy with his wife. There can be a danger that you'll come across another woman who seems to "desire" you more than your wife, if only for the money she might make or some other motive. Guys with ADHD, especially untreated ADHD, are thought to be more vulnerable. I speak from some personal experience here but know other guys who admit this. I've seen medical studies that suggest this as well. |
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busywifenmom
Posts:3
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| 12/10/2009 1:18 AM |
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Ok, so I have only been married 19 months, and my husband and I have 3 kids, 4 1/2yrs, almost 3, and almost 1. I stay home with my kids, do housework. My husband and I probably hit the 72 hour thing, and I know he would like more, and so would I!
So here's the deal....I want sex more often when my husband comes home and gives me attention, a nice hug, and kiss, or when he notices something I did different with myself or the house, I just want him to pay attention to me!!! That's what helps me to want him more, because that's how it was in the beginning of our relationship.
Guy, you may want to try to remember (like someone else suggested) how things were at the beginning, and try that again. |
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Marganit
Posts:8
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| 12/30/2009 7:06 AM |
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That is so sad to hear about these wives that take husbands and sex for granted. I am a woman and have always had a high sex drive. I was married for 7 months this year before divorce. I am 35 and he was 45. I wanted sex more frequently. I initiated often too but it wasn't the magic bullet. I have two married older girlfriends who say they too could have sex more often but it is their men who have slowed with age.
I don't get the excuse that motherhood makes one tired. Yes it does but on those tired days, one just has to enjoy what the man has to offer! For me, it's a stress relief, relaxant, and even a headache stopper! |
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Jacqs82
Posts:0
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| 01/07/2010 11:52 AM |
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Men- you seem to forget that womens' bodies are designed by God to be CYCLIC machines.
Guy, Yes the womans' brain changes regularly depending on what cocktail of hormones is being dished out for it to cope with.
Her body provides the next generation, and then the hormone cocktail changes yet again.
Ds, Jim and bas - I've been married for 28 years, We've had a bunch of kids who are now all in their 20s, my husband is a wonderful lover, always makes sure I am 'satisfied' whenever he makes love to me BUT for the last 18 of those years my body almost never feels the urge/need for sex BUT when he starts it is is always nice. SO do not think that the two things contradictory - I can assure you that they are not.
If your wives are anything like me, they long to have that oh-so-sweet 'sexy feeling' and the anticipation we had when we were young - so much that it often brings me to tears. Sadly God has not made us that way, Boys hit puberty and have pretty level hormones until they become very old men - still able to father children well into their 80s. Women's hormons wax and wane, then in the 40s our reproductive organs dye of old age, way before the rest of our body follows.
If women are required to understand the masculine desperation to have sex several times a day, the man surely needs to understand the affect of the curse-of-the-fall that women have to bear in our bodies.
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